The 10 Worst Christmas Songs

The 10 Worst Christmas Songs (Which the Radio Loves Even Though They’re Awful)

So this Christmas season, I am not quite the Grinch, but also not quite Will Ferrell à la our elf friend, Buddy. My family’s Christmas trees (yes, there are two) were up and decorated the day after Thanksgiving, but I’ve been struggling since to get my heart into the season. Half the time I’m pretending it’s not December, because I swear it was August two weeks ago!

At work, Christmas has mostly passed, and we are gearing up for the first release date of 2015… and Valentines Day…and Easter.

The other half the time, the fact that it’s almost Christmas is at the forefront of my mind, reminding me that I’ve literally purchased gifts for only three people, I haven’t started any of my Christmas cards, and my person for Secret Santa STILL has not posted any ideas on his/her Amazon wish list.

So, while Christmas music generally spreads holiday cheer and goodwill, most of the time I’m sitting at my desk grumbling. And really, hearing the same versions of the same songs over and over is not helping.

So, I’ve put together a list of my least favorite Christmas songs, which I’ve heard 1,001 times already this season.

Also, does is bother anyone else that Eagles’ “Please Come Home for Christmas” sounds like the Beatles, “Oh! Darling”?

10) “Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms

Any word, when you hear it often enough and start thinking about it, begins to sounds weird and distorted. And in some cases, it doesn’t take long for weird to become irritating. Like your name. Do you ever get tired of hearing your own name or having to say it? Well, this is how I feel about the word ‘jingle,’ especially after this song. The word is said 19 times in one listen through. Assuming it plays 3 times each working day, that’s 57 times daily, 285 times in a week, and about 1,026 times before Christmas. It’s a short song: downside, all 19 ‘jingles’ are in really close proximity to each other; upside, it’s over quickly!

9) “Christmas Canon “- TSO

And to think two years ago I was recommending it. The problem is that this song plays all the time, and as much as I like to say that the radio doesn’t ruin songs for me, it can exhaust them for sure. If Jingle Bell Rock plays three times in one day, this easily doubles that. That’s too much Pachelbel for anybody, and I do enjoy a good round. Yes, the harmonies are lovely, but it just doesn’t resonate anymore. So, here’s a tip, radio, less is more.

8) 12 Days of Christmas – John Denver/Muppets

Maybe if I grew up on the Muppets it would be different, but I can’t get past how aggravating this song is. Miss Piggy poorly shouting “five goooOOooold rings” does nothing to get me in the Christmas spirit. It’s like they’re trying to be awful on purpose and I don’t get that. Is it something about children’s music that makes this ok? I really want to know.

Alternate recommendation: The Twelve Pains of Christmas – Bob Rivers or Straight No Chaser

7) Feliz Navidad – José Feliciano

Our little corner at work is in agreement that this song is played too often on the radio. It’s not so bad until you hear it as often as we do. It’s also so stereotypical and generic that that it does’t even really have diversity going for it. Lyrically, it’s not even saying much but I wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Truly inspiring.

6) The Little Drummer Boy – Bob Seger

This is awful. Just awful. And I really like “The Little Drummer Boy.” About every version of it, except this one. I swear I thought it was Michael Bolton until recently. And I think Michael Bolton ruins every song he touches (sorry Michael Bolton fans), so that’s not quite a compliment. Seger, in this case, spends most of the song reaching instead of singing. I don’t know what everyone else is hearing because people tend to love this version, but all I hear is blah. I get that it’s a basic song, so you need to do something to make it more interesting. But honestly the rock spin does nothing for it. And like with Michael Bolton, I just don’t like Seger’s voice.

Alternate recommendation: Bing Crosby & David Bowie

5) Crabs for Christmas – David DeBoy

So this might be a Baltimore thing (or a general Maryland thing), so if you haven’t heard this song before you’ll probably have no idea what I am talking about. The good news is that you don’t want to have heard this song before, so cheers to you! The song was released in 1981, so for over 30 years it’s been a staple of Christmas in Baltimore. As a Marylander who does not like any sort of seafood (I know, heresy!), I can’t relate to this song. It’s also terrible. So, no nostalgia for me and no music value. I’ll pass, thanks.

4) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus- The Jackson 5

A little less of The Jackson 5 this year would be great. It seems once an hour that I’m hearing baby Michael over the radio, and I do like me some King of Pop. This early stuff, though iconic, needs to be toned down. I get that they’ve had a long shelf life, but that’s enough. I beginning to think maybe I just don’t like kids’ voices. I can’t be the only one. Any one else out there?

3) “The Christmas Shoes” -NewSong

No. Just no. There’s a lot of reasons I think this is one of the worst Christmas songs, but the simple explanation is that I don’t respond well to blatant emotional manipulation; frankly it makes me really angry. Throw in a chorus of kids at the end just for that extra punch in the gut and we’re done. So if you want me to go Hulk, play it again. I dare you.

Besides. I’d rather be happy when I hear Christmas music. Is that so much to ask?

2) “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” – Gayla Peevy

You know that fine line between ridiculous and annoying? Well you just found it. I don’t understand why this song became such a thing. And the worst part about this song is that it gets stuck in your head anyway. The radios could at least extend us the courtesy of not exacerbating the issue.

1) Elvis Presley “Blue Christmas”

Here’s the thing about Elvis: disregarding whatever musicality is involved in the arrangement of the this particular song and it’s significance to the song’s history, his slow songs will always bore the shit out of me. I can’t say I am, or ever will be, an Elvis fan. It’s also personal preference, but I dislike most slow Christmas songs. So, sorry Elvis – double whammy. Simply crooning to me is not going to make me like you.

And really I’m restraining myself. When this song comes on, you can expect an inevitable “UGHaskjfbsfg” from my side of the office. More than any other song, this is the one that has me ready for Christmas to be over already.

Not-so-honorable mentions: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, “Christmas Time Is Here,” “Dominick the Donkey,” and “The Chipmunk Song.” Luckily, I haven’t heard much of these this year.

#christmasmusic #music